Scarlett O'Hara's Diary
by 1cecat
Summary: A RomCom that explores Scarlett's psyche via her diary transcribed into modern lexicon, a la Bridget Jones's Diary. Scarlett begins writing soon after Rhett's departure. / I haven't updated in a long time, but I haven't abandoned it. I hope to add a chapter over the summer. Thank you to fans who have continued to re-read and comment. I really appreciate it!
1. Entries 1-3

**Scarlett O'Hara's Diary**

_Scarlett's diary adapted into modern lingo, a la Bridget Jones's Diary. Great balls of fire &amp; fiddle-dee-dee = wtf. Scarlett begins writing soon after Rhett's departure._

_Many fics write Scarlett and/or Rhett untrue to character; they are often over-idealized/the story is sappy/Scarlett is written like a moron or Rhett like a knight in shining armor. __I wanted to write something true to character and natural, but most importantly, I wanted to laugh, and I hope you laugh at times, too._

__**Will update if/when reaches 30 reviews!__

* * *

**Weight**: +5 lbs.

**Children**: 0. Technically, 3 - 1. Remaining 2 off to boarding school. Can barely take care of self, let alone children. Note- made sure to send kids to different boarding school than Belle's son.

**Location**: ATL

**Days since I've seen Rhett**: 40.

**Days since I've heard from Rhett**: 40.

**Life lessons**:

**1)** Life at 28 is certainly disappointing.

**2)** Have finally realized why everyone save my parents said I was crazy for 28 years. Take it day by day figuring out what a non-crazy person would/should do. Maybe you cannot undo crazy after 28 years. Maybe you are born crazy? Am not sure- have been crazy too long.

**Successful attempts at non-craziness**: 0.

**Failed attempts**: 40.

Have taken to depression eating. Should definitely stop. Won't wow anybody looking like crazy, fat cow.

Also, like a crazy person, am still hoping Rhett will eventually return.

_\- Scarlett_

* * *

**Weight**: ?

**Children**: still 0

**Location**: ATL house

**Days since seeing/hearing from Rhett**: 60

**Biggest regrets**:

**1)** My moronic decade+ obsession with Ashley.

**2)** Marrying out of spite. Probably one of the real signs of madness. Who does that? From a practical stance, Frank made sense. Charles = wtf.

**3)** Having children so young. Definitely didn't know what I was doing. Also, I loved one child the most, and that was really the only child I should have had. The only time I was truly ready to be a mother was when I had my miscarriage.

In other news, I actually have not visited the Wilkeses since Rhett left/Mellie died.

I can often go days without thinking about Mellie, but I think of Rhett daily. I guess I haven't seen the Wilkeses for a variety of reasons. I feel it isn't right given Rhett's departure. It feels somehow like I'd be betraying Rhett and myself, even though Rhett is gone and (as of yet) hasn't looked back, but when I remember Mellie's request to look after Ashley and Beau, I feel guilt. When I feel that guilt, I reach for my purse, as if a gifts would assuage the pang, but I can never bring myself to complete the notion. Rhett never wanted to support Ashley. This shitty cycle of guilt ends in me wanting to shoot myself for being a better wife sans Rhett than when he was here.

I suppose I deserve this. No decent person would do all the things I did just to get through a war. Refrain: no decent person would do all the things I did to Rhett all these years.

Occasionally, I do wonder what my mother would think about how her daughters turned out. Carreen: a nun. Suellen: still a POS. Scarlett: also still a POS. She would probably also think life turned out disappointingly. I guess that makes 2 of us.

In other news, I have begun wrapping up the home in Atlanta. I'm not sure what to do it. It looks like a musuem, and it feels like a mausoleum of my failures. Have stayed for 2 months IN VAIN hoping Rhett would come back or write. Emphasis on "in vain." Plus, I have also noticed it is ugly. Contemplating whether I should eventually sell. I can renovate the interior, but I would rather buy new home than remodel the exterior.

I am considering where to go. I originally thought I would go to Tara, but then I remembered crazy, POS Suellen is there. Would rather jump off bridge than live with her again. 16 years was enough. 2 crazies under 1 roof is enough!

P.S. It's random, but sometimes I think of Frank's tombstone. Need not mention I have never visited it since his burial. Feel like a POS, but also cannot make myself care enough to visit. Ugh.

_\- POS O'Hara_

* * *

**Location**: still Atlanta.

**Days since hearing from Rhett**: 62

I have decided that while some people are driven to madness, some are born crazy. I am adding myself to latter list.

Every day I hope Rhett returns, I realize I am still crazy. I am stuck at a point where I'm unsure what to do. Can craziness be undone? Or am I subjected to feeling and remaining this way for eternity? Maybe that's the punishment for crazy: remaining that way.

Can you try to undo the madness? Should I continue hoping for Rhett's return/win him back, or do I try to think that he may never return and move on (note: crazy seeping in- cannot write "accept" as I still hope otherwise) ?

I have trouble conceptualizing life after Rhett. We spent so many years together. Surely, that isn't a reason to stay together, although others would beg to differ. How do you just realize that someone in front of you was the one for you? It doesn't make sense. How do you realize someone you dubbed as "the one" actually isn't the one? I don't really understand all this either. 62 days later, I realized even more that life is miserable without Rhett and boring with Ashley.

After Rhett, what would I do? What can I do? Re-marry? Become someone's mistress? Live alone? God forbid I become a single mother... ! That would drive me insane. Have already established I am not maternal in the typical sense. Unfortunately, what I've realized about children is that they do not raise themselves. As shitty as it sounds, spending all day long with my 2 kids would drive me insane.

I feel like there's no way I can divorce. Not only would I become a social leper, but I feel that really would be the last time I ever saw Rhett. Ugh. Self-destructive cycle of shittiness.

Rhett once said he would return every once in a while to uphold the image of a united front. I'm trying to figure out what to do before his arrival... if he does. I continue to hope he'll uphold his word, but why would he? I've been bat shit insane for 12+ years. Would you feel compelled to keep your promise to a crazy person who's tortured you for years? I rest my case... then argue with myself in my head.

Am so crazy and listless that I have begun even keeping a diary. Funny what living in limbo with no life missions/struggles will do to you. You have to live with yourself, I guess. Unfortunately, I happen to be crazy, but I can't always push things to tomorrow. There's no tomorrow with Rhett if I do that. Bah!

_\- Crazy Mrs. B_


	2. Entries 4-5

**Days since Rhett's departure: **~120 days

**Weight: **-5 lbs. I don't know what happened to depression eating. It started tasting the same after a while. Enough of that, and you realize something has to change.

It's been over 120 days, and Rhett has not returned. I am beginning to think he may never return. Every additional day I stayed in that home reminded me of all the fucked-up-ness. I also couldn't help but wait. I couldn't not not-wait. Every morning, I woke up and hoped he would knock on the door, or perhaps just be here. I would check his room, Bonnie's room, then descend the staircase and listen for him. Always, there was nothing. During meals, I would think about what life would be like with Rhett back. I would imagine being together. At night, I would realize I was alone, and he hadn't yet returned. I would sleep while arguing with myself whether he would keep his word or not. In the end, it just made me depressed as shit every day.

Love sucks.

I decided to pack up the house and get away. I haven't decided whether he'll be back or not. I didn't get away in hopes he would hear of my departure and come check on me. Am now beginning to doubt he would. I realize that he's been through torture for 12+ years. As thick as it sounds, I am realizing that is a long time.

I also have not decided whether this means I am giving up hope or not. I just know I don't like feeling sad, and I can't live sad forever. I have to figure something out.

I feel like being in this house isn't helping my case. I need to be away from the South and anyone who knows me. I'm too depressed to deal with their judgment and hawk eyes... but... whatever. Judgment no longer hurts me the way it did when I was 16.

_\- Scarlett_

* * *

**130 days.**

Since this is my diary, it doesn't matter what or whom I write about, but I'll kill myself if I only fill it with Rhett thoughts, so I won't write about him today.

**To-do list:**

**1)** finance my own vacation

I've decided to take an indefinite vacation until my head clears up or I feel better. I've never been good at sorting out my thoughts or understanding myself. I'm trying, but it's annoying, and I don't like it. I figured things may just come to me or be less stressful if I'm traveling.

I don't want Rhett to know about my travels. He may think it's an attempt to get his attention, and I won't give him that. I don't need to explain to anyone what I'm doing.

I need to finance the trip with my own income, which would come from the shop... but this makes me think about the house. I'm considering whether I should eventually sell or rent it out... And if I do rent it out, how would I do that discreetly? But at this point, I am sure Atlanta society knows Rhett is not around. I'm unsure whether I should say "to hell with it."

While I'd like to send all the help to Tara (at least until SOMEONE comes back), the only thing that stops me is what society will surely say. It's funny. I no longer care for judgment, if I am subjected to a life of social leprosy without Rhett... but IF he returns, then I do care; I care for us.

Gah, this whole "facing problems" thing is overwhelming. I've decided to face one thing at a time.

Anyway, onto lighter fare. Since I have no close girlfriends to travel with, I bring Mammy. She's a mother, a sister, and a friend. I should think Mammy might enjoy seeing the world, though she'd never show it.

A small part of me remembers my children, and I feel a pang of guilt. Should I be wanting to bring them? Do I even have to ask? Sadly, I do, and I still am not sure of the answer. And regardless, I won't bring them. That's how shitty of a mother I am.

P.S. I just wanted to note that I wouldn't want to send the servants to Tara for Suellen. I'd want them to go because they love Tara, and that has always been home. F Suellen.

_\- Scarlett_


	3. Entry 6: Paris

**Paris. with Mammy.**

It's times like these I wish I had received a better education. I can't speak a lick of French. Mammy and I are accompanied by two translators, and who knows if they are giving me the word-for-word. Doubtful.

Still, Paris is lovely, and being in a new environment is refreshing. I think less of Atlanta, the home, and Rhett. I think of how Paris would have been together. Undoubtedly, it would have been a lot of fun. Shopping is great. Having money is great, but it's more fun having someone to spend it with. That's something I've realized... Rhett enjoyed shopping as much as I did. As I shop and think about Rhett, I think about Ashley. I guess this is my way of thinking about the past.

Did Ashley like shopping? He didn't. Mellie made him things-beautiful things-and he appreciated them, but he didn't like or know much about shopping or _joie de vivre_, as the French would say. I feel like Ashley did as he thought he should. Over the years, I have come to accept that I am just not a very proper person. Ashley could never accept such a conclusion for himself. Thinking about it, I honestly don't know if Ashley post-war even had a sense of self. He was wrapped up in Southern idealism that he tried to mold himself to that + the war sucked him dry (which I can't blame him for).

During my obsession, I just thought Ashley, Ashley this, Ashley that. Without accepting him for who he is, I saw him as I wanted him to be. I can admit that wasn't fair to Ashley... nor was it to Mellie, myself, or Rhett. I guess, though, it was my idealism misplaced upon Ashley that got me and Mellie through the war, though, and when it's put that way, I wouldn't take it back. The best thing _about_ Ashley ended up being Mellie, and the best thing I got _through_ Ashley was Mellie. As shitty as it sounds, after she died, I was like wtf. It would've been better if it was Ashley. I know-shitty and fickle... but true.

I can accept that and my fucked up past, but what bothers me most thinking about is how long I did this, and how long I was hung up on this illusion. Long enough to "throw away happiness," as Rhett once said. Those words now haunt me. The more time passes and the more I think about it, I realize life would have really sucked with Ashley. I only thought what I did my whole life: just of getting what I wanted (or thought I did).

Sometimes, I wonder what life would have been like had I met Rhett first. Then, I remember despite how I've come to love him, he is a real cad/occasional POS, too (albeit a more redeeming one than myself). Perhaps he was even more of a cad in his teens, and we both would have hated each other. I don't know if it's better that we met when I was 16, had we met earlier, or had we met later. maybe it would all have turned out the same anyway. Maybe I would have always been the same POS. I don't know.

P.S. as a non-Rhett side note, I should mention that France isn't like the States. Mammy has been treated quite well over here, and I'm pleased to say it. I learned that Thomas Jefferson brought his mulatto here as well.

_\- Scarlett_


	4. Entries 7-8

**Location:** still Paris

**Days since I've heard from Rhett: **~200 days

**Should I stop counting?** Yes.

**Important life decisions:** 0.5

\- I've made the decision to rent rooms out of the house, and no, it wasn't easy. I understand I am risking social leprosy. I could just wrap the whole house up and let it sit, but that doesn't make much financial sense. Why let it sit, when I could have it generate income? Push comes to shove, I'd prefer to be a well-to-do social leper than a poor, middle-aged, lonely one.

When society asks, I could simply say:

_**1)** I decided to travel indefinitely_

_**2)** the children are at boarding school, and the house was too quiet after Bonnie's death (the B-card might shut people up), so I'd like some life in the house_

_**3)** I will brainstorm more BS later_

I did think of what Rhett would say about the house, but then I realized something: I have not heard from the man in 200 days.

Mammy says society will gossip incessantly. As if I don't know, but there's nothing to upkeep my reputation for. Rhett's gone, and I've ushered the children out of the house. Mammy says to think of the children, but I told her there are none. I sent them to boarding school for a reason, and they aren't coming home soon, just as I won't return soon.

In other shitty news, despite my earlier statements, I write to Wade and Ella every other week now, give or take a few. Sometimes I forget. I send postcards of Paris, and I wish them well. Mammy asks me if I thought postcards took care of everything... Annoying. I don't know where people get these ideas. Since when was a postcard an attempt to change someone's life? She asked if I ever wondered whether the children felt abandoned, but I don't think about it. I just felt like sending postcards.

I said, "Mammy, they should get over it and learn about real life problems. They don't know real shittiness. They never ate dirt. They've never been homeless. Their lives are better than most." She just kept saying children need a mother, and I sigh. I do miss Mellie. If she were alive, she would have been a wonderful surrogate.

In truth, I can't relate to my own needy-ass children. Whether it's from the war or not, I don't know. She's shocked when I say, "Mammy, they'll be fine. I lost Ma and Pa, and I made out okay."

She asked me if I thought I was fine, and I was like, um... I know what she means, but I just thought she'd know by now. I told her, "Mammy, I've been a bitch before Ma &amp; Pa died. No need to blame my shittiness on their deaths or the war."

I made a bitter face from taking a swig of Brandy, but Mammy thought I was making it at her. I shrugged and said absentmindedly, "I feel how I feel."

Mammy shook her head and muttered "chile, youse has a drinkin problem, an I dun likes it."

I poured myself another. I'll give her that one, but there are worse things to be than an alcoholic.

* * *

**208 days.**

**Nightmares this week: 2**

**Crazy hallucinations: 1**

Last night was the one covered in mist. It always makes me think of the war. Only, I wasn't looking for anything. I've never known what it means to have a recurring dream, but I've come to the conclusion that not all answers are complex. Maybe there is no answer. Maybe I'm just a boring dreamer. I think it's more horrifying for those watching me than it is for myself. After all, a dream isn't reality.

Tonight, I'm writing because I had trouble falling asleep. 2 hours ago, I started a cheap Merlot and set it on a table. I wanted to see if cheap was better or worse than the expensive shit. Maybe it's all shit.

When I reclined in my chair and glanced at the glass, the red became blood, and I felt trapped. Sometimes, you remember shit you don't want to. I remembered Montgomery. I wrote his final letter home for him. I can't recall his first name, but I remember his last. I remembered thinking that no one else ever would. Like our past, his existence would float away. More dust in the wind.

He had a shrapnel wound to the shoulder, not even to the heart, but we both knew he was dying. What a terrible and pointless way to die. In his last moments, I held his hand, but all I could say was, "everybody dies." There's no comfort in death.

Working in the hospitals, I saw most parents never found their sons, and most sons died alone. The shit they tell you about dying being whole again/joining your kin in the afterlife are just words to dampen fear. I was surrounded by infections and disease, remnants of the South, as Rhett would have said back then. And who would have known? Lincoln had only recruited for 90 days, and we all thought it would be a short war, but every night, I bathed in a different soldier's blood.

Beau was born shortly thereafter. He was born in the most unfortunate time. I became even more determined not to have children during the war. Who would want to bring life into a world like that? I never understood Mellie and why she was always called it a gift... even more so after it killed her. I'd give anything to kick some sense into her. Sigh.

I wonder if she really loved Ashley, or if she knew what romantic love was. Mellie was dedicated and faithful to anyone shoved into her life, even me. You might as well have given her Frank, and she would've treated him as she did Ashley. She would've spent days making him the same uniform she made Ashley, although it couldn't improve his looks. I will never understand why she died, when shittier people like me, Ashley, or Rhett didn't.

I think about what she would've said to Montgomery. If I had a daughter, I would've wanted her to be like Mellie (don't remind me I already have one). With my DNA, I realize that's questionable. As much as I loved Bonnie, she would've never been like her. Mellie's the kind of person no one would believe existed unless they knew her, and like the old life, she's but a memory now. I'm afraid sometimes I'll forget her, like everyone else has forgotten Montgomery.

Rhett would've been happier with someone like Mellie. She would've been a good wife. For all of Rhett's insight and foresight, he really picked the wrong one. He should've said, "Psycho. Where's the exit." But he didn't, and now we're both middle-aged fuck-ups.

* * *

_Author Note: I am attempting to gauge viewer interest in the series to assess further continuation. If you are enjoying it, reviews would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time and the guest reviews thus far, and I hope you've had a few laughs._


	5. Entries 9-10

****Days since Rhett walked out**: **~290. On the brighter side, I guess at least I have Mammy. On the shittier side, Suellen said that's what spinsters say.

**Location**: Atlanta.

I actually sat like a chicken in Savannah for a good 3 weeks before crawling to Atlanta. Was dreading seeing the house, but I couldn't avoid it forever. We arrived in the quiet of early morning. As I fell out of the carriage, I had peered up at the edifice, and it hardly felt like home. I had walked for the first time to the door that Rhett walked out of, except this time approaching it from the other side of the sill. I held my hand out before finally touching the door, pausing and soaking in the shitty memories. My heart twisted. Touching the door was like pricking a thorn.

I looked over my shoulder, and I watched his shadow disappear all over again. I stared for minutes before crossing the threshold into a Rhet-less life.

**Feng shui success**: 0.

I've decided to feng shui my room in hopes it would help forget my old haunts. I think I have to hire someone to do this for me professionally. Unfortunately, my home designing skills have not improved since the house was built.

**Rooms rented out**: almost every one! Call me Scarlett the hotelier. I'm happy to report that every room in the house had been rented out. I made a point of ensuring Rhett's room was rented out. At least that would stop me from checking it every morning like a desperate stalker. I placed the overseer in the old nursery; a permanent resident living there made the house seem less dead.

**Pleasant surprises**: 1. Surprisingly, I have not been completely rejected by Atlanta society, likely because relatives of some society members inhabit a few rooms, I imagine courtesy of the Wilkeses efforts or something like that.

On a questionable note, guilt and relief that I am not social pariah have pushed me to fulfill my promise to Mellie. I've decided to call on the Wilkeses after I am settled in, although I don't know what I can do. I can barely take care of myself, and any time I hear the word "Ashley" now, I feel nervous. Nervous and shitty. Blegh.

_\- nervous and shitty Scarlett_

* * *

**300 days.**

**More promises made I'm not sure I'll fulfill: 1**

I found myself staring across the table from Ashley again.

I had hoped that living in Paris for so long would teach me _joie de vivre_ again or how to forget. It taught me neither. Guess I'm destined to misery, which may be fitting considering the past.

I had been here before. Many times.

He had lost weight. His face had thinned. And it pissed me off. Beau was crying in a corner. It was giving me a headache. I wished he could have taken care of himself and Beau. And not to be a bitch, but the house smelled stale... Just another way to remind us Mellie was gone. This is not what Mellie would have wanted.

I sank in the chair realizing how dependent he was. He's the Southern gentleman that needs someone to take care of him, whether it be a mother, wife, lover, or sister. Sitting before me was the real Ashley Wilkes. I couldn't believe I wanted to be with a dependent man.

My "with-Ashley life" flashed before me, and I was saddled down not only with more needy-ass children but him. Who had I been kidding? I don't want to even take care of my own children... but I suppose all this happened before I realized that.

Just another thing I can appreciate about Rhett now: at least he took care of himself and could afford to pay others to raise our children.

Shittily, I played scenarios in my head. What would happen if I abandoned my promise to Mellie?

**To extricate myself from this mess, I had a few options:**

**1)**_ Set Ashley up with a girl friend... _which leads to problem #2: I have no girl friends besides Mammy. So, I would need to make more friends before this was plausible.

**2) **_Abandon Ashley. and Beau. _I'm not sure if Ashley would make do or if he'd starve to death. I couldn't imagine Ashley killing himself, but I think about Beau. I think of Beau because of Mellie... which leads to option 3.

**3) **_Abandon Ashley. Pay for Beau's boarding school._

I couldn't imagine more scenarios.

As much as #2 is preferred and the easiest, I knew I couldn't do it, not only out of respect for Mellie, but for our past. The Wilkeses, my parents, everyone. We had been through too much. In economics, they call this sunk cost. As helpless as Ashley had become, he was a remnant of our past. I grew up walking to Twelve Oaks. As much as I wish it had been him and not Mellie that died, he's who we have left. Sigh.

I was somewhat surprised he didn't hold my disappearance against me. I suppose Mellie's death had shattered him too much to have him bothered by much else. I found myself being more inclined to be kinder towards Beau than I am to my own children-for Mellie's sake... Plus, he had dirt on his face. Wtf. I felt pity for Beau. Had no one had noticed or wiped that shit off? I tossed him an R.B. hankie.

Then, Ashley asked me to be more present in Beau's life, and without thinking, I agreed _**!**_

Believe me, it wasn't the kind of selfless "no-thought-answer." It was the "wait, wtf did I just say?" kind. Then, he said the 1 thing I didn't want to hear: "Mellie would've wanted it. I'm afraid I'm not a very good father, Scarlett."

I snarled. Biotch used the M-card. _Sneaky_.

My eyes narrow recalling the instance.

...

In less frustrating news, I discovered through Ashley that society figured that Rhett and I had both uprooted and either moved or taken time off from Atlanta due to Bonnie's and Mellie's deaths. That was convenient, but whether they assumed we took off separately or together is unclear. I left heavy-footed, trying to figure out how to deal with the situation and what kind of farce to present to society. It wasn't too late to run and go with the "I've left forever" story.

_\- Scarlett_

* * *

_Author Note: I am attempting to gauge viewer interest in the series to assess further continuation. If you are enjoying it, reviews would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time and the guest reviews thus far, and I hope you've had a few laughs._


	6. Entry 11: One Year Later

**End of October.** it's around that 1-year mark.

**Potential gfs for Ash:** 0

**Pros: **0\. Well, maybe 2- the business is doing well, and the house is bustling with tenants.

**Cons:** infinite

**Alcoholic tendencies?** Check.

How October can come and go. I am just realizing this in my late 20s. Last October, I was in a tornado. Now, I was closer to the eye. I guess that's one thing to be glad about. I was depressed as shit this time last year.

With almost every room filled, being home isn't as deadening. I've realized that houses like these are supposed to be lived in. I'm not sure what I was thinking when I had it built for 2, and I wonder what Rhett was thinking when he let me build it. Now that I think of it, I bet he thought he could fill them all with jrs. _The horror._

I was surprised that so many people would want take up residence here... So, I can't come to your home, but you're fine coming to mine? _Cool._ Thanks.

_Anyway_, their company (and paychecks) are a welcome distraction. I don't even mind any children walking around as long as they are not mine, and I don't have to deal with them.

**Big decision:**

\- As much as I love option #2 from previous entry, I have decided to put my big girl panties on and start with #1. _Win a date with Ashley Wilkes!_

\- I realized I must first fetch myself some lady friends. I was frazzled for a week wondering how I would overcome my potential antisocial personality disorder. Then, I saw a simple solution: I had tenants! Tenants who respected me (to my face), because I was the land lady! Hurrah for what money can buy. My life just got easier.

\- Unfortunately, this means I have to be around the house more and get to know the tenants, but this is a small burden in comparison to the larger burden Ashley+Beau-4ever spelled out. The last thing I need is to change someone's diapers into my 90s... and knowing my luck, I would live that long, and so would he. Buzz kill.

For once, I saw the benefits of networking with beyond just men.

Mammy asked what kind of woman I would seek out for Ash. She thought I would try to find Mellie Jr, and I just don't have that kind of hope. Mellie was too good to be true. Ashley and I have both been shit heads, and God knows he doesn't deserve Mel 2.0. So, I just said, "Mammy, beggars can't be choosers."

* * *

_Author Note: I am attempting to gauge viewer interest in the series to assess further continuation. If you are enjoying it, reviews would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time and the guest reviews thus far, and I hope you've had a few laughs._


	7. Entries 12-13: Plus 1

_November_

**Great news**: I heard through the grapevine that Belle has left town. They say temporarily, but I hope permanently. I guess with Rhett no longer here, she thought there's no reason to stay. Then again, she has her brothel, so... who knows. All I know is: 1 less whore in town for the interim.

**Recent epiphanies**: 1. I haven't had a new hat since Rhett left.

**Recent suicidal thoughts**: 10. and all in 1 night.

Through afternoon teas, weekly social events, and just being around, I've gotten to know my tenants better. I'll admit- having people around is better than being alone, although I do prefer male company over female company. They talk less about dumb shit.

Two days ago, we held a "females socialization night for tenants and friends," aka _ladies night_, at the Butler residence. I figured it would be good for business, morale, and a great way to meet a future Mrs. Wilkes. In search of a lady, I had a wonderful night filled with female camaraderie, cards, and lively discussions of feelings/interests/family/life hopes-_aka pipe dreams._

I realized I had died and gone to hell, and I drank vehemently during "bathroom breaks." Thank God for booze.

I have taken a liking to a female tenant, Emily Hazel, though. She is around my age, pale with black hair and hazel eyes, can handle a few drinks, speaks the least about feelings/pipe dreams (her best attribute), and has a British accent. She's on a prolonged visit from London, and I like hearing about London. Without her company, I would have surely killed myself before another horrific female gathering.

_Big bonus_: she knows no one from Atlanta society (despite being a distant relative of Dr. Meade's). Thank God. Mental note- how the Meades came to have a witty and attractive, foreign relative is lost upon me. I am somewhat cautious, however, to be sure I don't say anything too personal to her. Mrs. Meade could have recommended the Butler residence to keep an eye on us.

Admittedly, girls night has it's less shitty moments. I like talking about fashion, and that part of wasn't bad. We discussed impending dress orders and any acquisitions of new hats. It was then that I realized I haven't had a new hat since Rhett left, so I decided to remedy that.

Yesterday, I found myself peering through the window of a hat shop, and I remembered the old times. The first hat Rhett had bought for me. Green. from Paris. Most of my hats afterwards came either directly or indirectly from him. Then, like a true crazy person, I heard his voice again.

_You're throwing happiness away._

BLECH. Then, in true crazy form, I said aloud, "shut up, bitch," and swung the hat shop door open and lined up 5 selections. I bought 3, but as I walked out of the store, I felt kind of shitty, and _that_ was shitty. I think it's one of the few times in history I have spent money and felt bad. Two things that haven't changed through the war is my love of nice things and love of money, and yet, walking out with 3 hats yesterday was a drag.

After thinking about it all day, I realized that I like having hats bought for me, which led me to one conclusion to make these crap feelings go away: I need a hat-gifter.

* * *

I am very confused.

**Bad surprises**: 1 or 2.

**Surprise 1:**

A week ago, someone bought a puppy. For... the house? My first thought was: "Oh God, something else that shits and pees." There was a reason I sent my children away. At least, I have comfort in knowing it won't talk to me.

I know better than to think this puppy is from Rhett. I know it's not. That bitch hasn't shown his face or said a peep forever.

And it definitely wasn't from Ashley. He's too busy drowning in his rotting house to do much, let alone think of others. Plus, he isn't very "romantic" like that (to clarify- buying/giving/impregnating me with anything that shits and pees is _not _romantic... it's parasitic).

I'm sure it definitely isn't from Tara, either. Suellen would rather die than give me anything... unless this puppy is the carrier of a transmittable autoimmune disease... and Carreen has no money of her own besides that of which I give her.

It certainly is a mystery I'd like to solve, so I can knock their lights out. I should like to retaliate by releasing the pestilence in their house and letting it shit everywhere. Let them know how it feels.

Am now wondering if it was a mistake. It did have a ribbon on its neck... but it probably wandered into our residence from elsewhere. It wasn't in a basket or anything, either, from what I hear. I would throw it out or sell it, but unfortunately, tenants found it first. A few of them love it, and their children won't leave it alone. I can only imagine its disappearance would be bad for business (believe me, I've thought about it). Sigh.

I almost feel sorry for the puppy. The children in the house stalk the shit out of it.

Speaking of _it... _Note to self- check gender, then have clients pick/vote on a name. I think they would like that, and it would be a nice marketing/community involvement pitch. Note dollar signs floating in air.

**Surprise 2:**

Recently, I've been spending more time in the kitchen. Not because I like cooking or being the kitchen. I don't. Although, I don't hate it as much as I used to. Hazel says that's where you meet everyone. If you loiter in the lobby, people are going in and out, but in the kitchen, people hang around. If I'm to find a Mrs. Wilkes, surely, this is the way. Or, so I thought. To make it look like I have a reason to spend unreasonable hours in the kitchen, I act like I help the kitchen out. This usually consists of kneading and throwing around some dough while cursing in my head.

Today, I ran into a Dr. Daniel Woodworth again, a 30-something year old traveling through Atlanta to join a new medical practice in Savannah. He looks like a Tarleton. Since his arrival, he has been constantly in the kitchen, and it is a wonder he is not obese.

He is about Rhett's build. I joined him kneading dough, and I learned he was heading out for Savannah tomorrow. When I wished him well, he began inquiring about Mr. Butler, which was shocking and (obviously) unwelcome. I began sharpening my claws (mentally) and simply said, "gone." (duh), but then he further inquired if I was divorced or separated. The only thing that prevented me from reacting more negatively was business. He's a client who pays, and it only took a few negative words around town to give this business a bad rap. As I was contemplating the ramifications of verbally socking him in the mouth, he said something I wanted to hear: "I'm sure he'll be back."

I opted for "poker face mode," but all I did was let out a heave. I was tired inside... tired of waiting. It must have shown, because he patted me on the shoulder blade and stfu. I returned to kneading dough. Reaching for a glass of water, he knocked over the salt. I handed it to him. Instead of retrieving the salt shaker like a normal person, he wrapped one hand around the shaker, and placed another beneath the hand holding it. Wtf.

He stayed there for a moment, then leaned towards me. Oddly enough, I stiffened but did not punch or flinch. Then, I felt warm, and I closed my eyes and thought of Rhett. I thought of the night he swept me upstairs. He tasted like blood and sugar.

Then, I remembered, this wasn't Rhett. I opened my eyes and took a step back, reclaiming the salt, and then decided to pull a classic Scarlett move: pretend that didn't happen.

I fumbled around for a place to set the salt, then pretended I was looking for something else. When I heard a door open somewhere in the house, I excused myself, but before leaving, I shook Dr. W's hand and bid him safe travels. Then, I floated upstairs and freaked the fuck out. Why did I shake his hand? And who the fuck just goes around kissing random people? Ugh. Rhett Butler would, _that's who_. And apparently my tenants.

After 30 minutes of thought, I decided the event would best go permanently undiscussed. Dr. W leaves for Savannah tomorrow and censuring him may only cause him to talk, which is the last thing I need... but something else still bothers me: I enjoyed a kiss. from a stranger. I can't describe it in any other way than feeling like a Twelve Oaks picnic. This must be a new sign of madness.

_What does it mean?_

As the whole day wore on, I felt a hot streak of guilt streak emblazoned my chest. _-Oh God_, now I've finally done it! I have finally become a cuckold...

I may as well have worn a scarlet letter. Deep inside, I know I should ready my resume for Belle's.

**Likelihood of going to hell**: high.

**Lesson learned**: Hazel was wrong. Stay away from the kitchen.

To distract myself from my wtf-ing, I'll write a letter to Carreen.

God, I wish Mellie was here.

_\- scarlett o'hara dons scarlet letter_

* * *

_Author Note: I am attempting to gauge viewer interest in the series to assess further continuation. If you are enjoying it, reviews would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time and the guest reviews thus far, and I hope you've had a few laughs._


	8. Entries 14-15: Thanksgiving Eve

_1 week until Thanksgiving. blegh._

Hi, Scarlett again. Now that I'm going to hell, I decided I have nothing to lose. I have embraced the fact, and kissing random man has made things clear to me. Like a true vampire/harpy, I am revitalized.

The taste of Twelve Oaks is addictive. Despite my words earlier, after a week or so, I have taken to once again poisoning the kitchen with my presence. I feel renewed with the attention, and at times, I forget about Rhett. That is, _until_ someone says something _moronic_, speaks about honor, or generally something I disagree with. Then, I temporarily leave, and I realize Rhett wouldn't have said something so stupid.

After meeting many morons, one thing is very clear: **we're meant to be together**, us shit heads, and we have to stick together. It's us against the world.

If he has not returned in over a year for a non-pregnant, crazy Scarlett, he likely never will. So, I realized I had to take action.

While a normal person/cuckold stays away from their significant other due to guilt, I have decided to drag him back. Like General Sherman planning and executing war plan, I have decided my most efficient and successful plan is to tie him down with my body. I'll just have to get him extremely inebriated and jump his bones to beget his child. Then, he can **never** leave. _Cue evil laugh. _Bwahah

In order to impregnate self, I must (sneakily) find Mr. B...

_**Somehow**_, I imagine it un-sexy if I turn up in Charleston and openly stalk him. Thus, I have written to Carreen, and I have coaxed her into keeping me company... and by _coax_, I mean I cut her allowance off, forcing her to leave the abbey and come back to real, ATL thug life.

She'll know what's happening in Charleston, and hopefully where Rhett is.

_\- satan_

* * *

_Thanksgiving Eve_

**Weight**: +6 lbs! I heard from Hazel that I should gain weight the next time I plan to conceive a child, so I have begun voraciously eating in an attempt to gain 10-15 lbs before I see Rhett again. When I start feeling sick from over-stuffing my insides, I just think about getting him back, and I force it down.

**Weather**: snowy

**Progress**:

\- _Careen_ arrived this morning. I had her settled into my room, as the others are taken up. While I prefer to have my own space, I suppose I can co-habitate with Carreen. I couldn't kick a guest out/lose $ on behalf of her stay, _but_ I am worried how to hide my alcoholic tendencies around her. Will have to figure out how to hide said vices and growing satanic tail from _nun_ sister. Will worry about that tonight or tomorrow.

\- We are preparing a large Thanksgiving feast for the guests to enjoy tomorrow. I never thought I would be so excited to stuff my face tomorrow! I feel warm, content, and excited thinking it will bring me 1 step closer to my end goal. I really hate being fatter, and I wonder what Rhett will think... but I figure he never got some _anyway_, so he won't mind if I'm 15 lbs fatter, and I won't mind if game plan goes as mentioned.

\- On the positive side, I think my breasts have grown _slightly_ larger from the weight gain, which should be a plus.

...

I set out for Mellie's today, and I brought the dog. I thought Mellie would like to see it. She would've liked it, had she been here, I would've relegated it to her. She and Beau would have liked it.

I brought a cherry pie and a hand-picked bouquet. I picked the flowers _en route_ to her grave from passing garden beds. I figured this way, they would be freshest, and I could pick exactly what I wanted for Mellie. I thought this would be more genuine than buying a pre-made one, anyway and I only picked the best ones.

I was prepared to drop the M-card if anyone questioned me, but I suppose everyone was too busy with Thanksgiving prep today to notice. **+1 for scarlett**_\- in addition to cuckoldry, her thievery also goes unnoticed._

As I approached Mellie's spot under the willow, I paused, and I saw a figure by her grave. _A lady figure._ Mellie had the South at her feet, so I guess I wasn't too unnerved by another visitor, although I preferred to keep her to myself. After the initial shock, I was glad she hadn't been forgotten. I thought of Montgomery again. He, like the rest of the boys, were dropped in unmarked graves.

I approached more slowly, to give the visitor space, but as I neared I nearly dropped the pie in shock. It was Belle. in a pink dress. My eyes narrowed at her sight. I though the biotch had left forever... or is that something I had just told myself? _Whatever_.

She was startled to see me, too, and she looked uncomfortable, as if she didn't want to be around me. _How ironic._

I nearly hurled some verbal diarrhea at her face, until Mel's tombstone caught my eye.

I held my breath and tried to avoid eye contact. I stepped forward. We placed our flowers down at the same time, but I made sure to place mine carefully as to not touch _hers_. I didn't know what to do or say to Mellie, especially with heathen around. So, I just muttered, "happy Thanksgiving" to her and turned to leave, leash in hand.

While turning, I accidentally made eye contact with Belle. She had soft, blue eyes, and I thought, "how could a snake look so soft?"

I imagined her kissing Rhett and broke my gaze. As I stepped away, I sneered. That must be how she reels the guys in.

I took the pie, warm in my hand, and left. I made a mental note to dust off that area near Mellie's spot later. Must free it of hooker germs.

I walked home pissed off, wondering how Rhett could like someone like me and then her. I questioned my own standards for liking a man who frequents whore houses. By the time we came home, the pie had cooled, and I didn't know what to do with it. It felt wrong giving Mellie's pie to the tenants, although I know she wouldn't have minded. So, I gave it to the dog.

No more really eventful things this week besides the aforementioned events. Biggest decision of the week was organizing dog naming raffle/poll. I'm going back and forth on whether to submit name entries for Para or Parry. Para/Parry for parasite (I forgot to mention- it's a girl).

_P.S._ I also forgot to mention, I've made little success with project Mrs. Wilkes. Recently, Mission Silent Stalker has taken up a large amount of time, but I promise to Mellie that I will find a suitable replacement (hopefully) sometime soon.

_\- Scar_

* * *

__Author Note: I am attempting to gauge viewer interest in the series to assess further continuation. If you are enjoying it, reviews would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time and the guest reviews thus far, and I hope you've had a few laughs.__


	9. Entry 16: Plus 2

_December_

**Regrets:** off top of my head, one big 1

**Unwanted children running around house:** 1

**Plans to dispose of child:** in progress. Will get to that later.

**Mood:** bad

First- the (relatively) _less_ stressful shit...

1) Shitty dog name top vote/poll results:

_Twinkle_ (all the kids must have voted for that POS name), _Virginia_ (vetoing that grandma name), _Melon_ (again, kids), _Brownie_ (wtf), _Cookie_ (prostitute name).

\- Well, just like my life, those names certainly turned out disappointingly. Apparently, no one liked my Parry cast. People said it sounded like a boy name. Well, a boy name is better than a prostitute name. I guess I'll vote for Melon, the least evil of 5. I can call it Mellie.

\- For now, it's "Puppy," and it's being potty trained by Carreen. Thank God. I was getting tired of my morning ritual, a game called "search-for-shit." By the way, the dog has taken to Carreen the most, which is unsurprising. Animals and kids are drawn to Carreen, probably because she is one of the few who give them the unadulterated time of day. While I can't understand why she likes them, it works out for me, as I can now dump puppy and its responsibilities on her.

2) Carreen / Mission Silent Stalker Fail:

\- I asked Carreen about Charleston, and unsurprisingly, Rhett is not with the Butlers. I suspected as much, as they have never reconciled, but this leaves me at a bit of a dead end as to how to find and lure him in. I'll think about it tonight.

\- As for Carreen, Carreen is settling in nicely. She is the gentlest soul in this building. I would be so pissed if someone cut off my allowance and forced me somewhere, but she is adjusting quietly and nicely without any fuss. I forgot how she smiles and says mostly kind things.

_Weird_. How are we related?

3) AA notes:

\- I should also mention that like a true alcoholic, I believe I may be having withdrawal symptoms due to Carreen's arrival/downplaying habits. I am feeling quite ill at times, and sometimes, _all _I can think about is getting my hands on a bottle.

I usually don't give a shit what others think or say, but Carreen's disapproval/discovery of my vices would be like mom finding out. _So_, as a healthy alternative, I now drink on the low in Hazel's room.

As Rhett mentioned, it certainly is more fun to drink in company than alone... except I wonder why it was always shitty when Rhett and I drank together?

**Now onto the stressful shit that I wish I never signed up for:**

_Project Save-Ashley-and-Beau-for-Mellie:_

Lately, I have a hard time going to the Wilkeses sober. The alcohol dampens the shitty and depressing milieu there. It also makes me think of Mellie less. Plus, we've been too long of friends for Ash to censure or gossip about me.

In my inebriated state, I paid a visit to Ashley and Beau earlier today. I had been meaning to stop by. I had been visiting every 1.5 weeks or so, to make sure no one had dropped dead/starved to death/died from lack-of-hygiene-related diseases.

As soon as I walked in, I threw my hands up in the air. I mean, wtf! He had shit on his face again (Beau). Babies are disgusting germ-centers as is. Can't you at least make him more presentable?

I crinkled my nose. How many hankies was I going to give this kid? I threw him another and said, "I'm sending him to boarding school, Ashley."

**_Truth_**: I had _no_ intention of sending him to boarding school.

He responded, shoulders stooped, while staring into the fireplace, "okay."

"OKAY?"

"Okay, Scarlett. You do what's best."

"He needs a nanny."

"Scarlett, I can't afford one." _Mopey bitch_. I wanted to tell him, "then go work and earn money to PAY FOR ONE," but I didn't.

Instead, I glowered at him in silence and thought WTF, MAN. _Do you know how expensive boarding school is?!_ I'm not sending Beau to boarding school, unless _absolutely_ necessary. Plus, Mellie would prefer I not institutionalize him.

_I'll just have to try harder to find a Mrs. W2..._

**_Meanwhile_**, I wanted to shove a hot poker in Ashley's eye. _Wake up! Be a man! Wtf _happened to that boy I met when I was _11?!_

Mammy had mentioned in Paris that I was in a depression. I didn't know what that was. Looking back, she was wrong. I was not in a depression. I was _chilling.._. **_THIS_ MAN** is the definition of deep depression. He sits there and stares at a fire all day long, while his son is "raising himself" and in the process is looking like some wild wolf-child... I should begin calling the man Stares-at-Fires.

I briefly contemplated solving my problems and setting Hazel and Ashley up 1) out of desperation and 2) because she is my only female friend outside of Mammy. I realized that would be cruel, but... maybe she would like him (I hope)? Against my better judgment and desires, I couldn't take it anymore. "Fuck it, I'm taking Beau home. _Temporarily_!"

**Emphasis on "_temporarily_."** Bitch needs a shower ASAP, and I did not know if he was going to get one in the next 10 hours.

Upon returning home, I tossed Beau to Carreen and Prissy, and I headed to Hazel's room with a bottle of something nice, per our midnight routine, but tonight, I took it as an opportunity to work on _Mission Wilkes_. I cut to the chase.

Ms. Scarlett-Gets-Shit-Done: "Hazel, have you ever heard of an Ashley Wilkes?"

Of course she had.

Victim 1: "Doesn't he have a kid?"

I paused. Wasn't sure which was the right answer. "Depends. He may go to boarding school," I responded, eyes darting around, thinking of what to say to not turn her off, all the while hoping she would not run into said wolf-child tonight.

"No thanks, I don't want to take care of someone's kid."

_I'm with you 100%_, I thought, but my stomach lurched in desperate disappointment. "Well, would you at least meet him?" I waited for response nervously, breath baited, like the blood-sucker I am.

"Sure," she shrugged. I got up and did a little dance. She seemed amused and laughed.

I got so excited thinking I may be a potential step closer to dusting Ashley off my hands... although with Hazel... I'm not so sure it will be a match. "_Like with like_," I recalled my dad saying, and they are not alike.

"Would you like me to chaperone?" I asked eagerly.

She gave me a sideways look. "No, that's fine," she said, uncrossing her legs, stretching her back, and easing back in her chair. "He better not be a piece of shit."

I averted her gaze... Well, POS is a subjective definition... so, I refrained from commenting. Hopefully next time I report, they will have hit it off.

_Who knew finding wife #2 would be so stressful ?_

\- _Scarlett_

* * *

__Author Note: I am attempting to gauge viewer interest in the series to assess further continuation. If you are enjoying it, reviews would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time and the guest reviews thus far, and I hope you've had a few laughs.__


	10. Entry 17

**Sneaky Scarlett moves:** 2

Well, desperate times call for desperate measures, and I mean that on all fronts.

Christmas is nearing, and the best thing about Christmas (asides from receiving presents) is all the things you can do under the pretense of the Christmas spirit. I wonder if Rhett will stop by this Christmas, but he didn't last year... so, I assume his presence will be missed once again... As such, I have taken the liberty of writing to his sister and inviting her for the holidays in the-what do they call it? -_the spirit of Christmas_. or some bs like that.

Like General Sherman, I find discovering more about your enemy will serve advantageous. Can't help but evil smile. He can't get rid of me that easily.

The other day, I ran over to Ashley's to spruce it up, in case he and Hazel hit it off. I couldn't let her see this dump. I sent Prissy to live there for a week and get everything in order/force everyone to eat. I shuddered recalling the days I had to do that myself for Tara and the never-ending stream of soldiers. I ordered Prissy to wash all his clothes, and I ordered Ash to take a bath.

The one good thing is that he doesn't argue with what I say.

"Take a bath, Ash."

"Must I, Scarlett?"

"Yes." _You need one. And please shave while you're at it._

"If you say so, my dear." _That's right, biotch._

"I also say you need to _eat_, Ashley."

I glanced gingerly around the living room. To think I could've been mistress of this house. Another miscalculation on my part. I suppose that's _one_ good thing with age: you see more things as they are.

I began unloading a basket of starch, carbs, and sweets. These ought to speed up the process.

"You are too good to me, Scarlett. Thank you." I found his words humorous. What did anyone see in me?

My back turned to him, I said, "Mellie would've wanted it." As I doled out Ensure-style-portions, I spied his figure out of the corner of my eye and evaluated the situation.

**Analysis**: He needs to gain weight and bulk up. fast.

**Course of action:** Force feeding_. _I should also force him to work outdoors to gain muscle tone, and therefore look more presentable. I couldn't imagine anyone flocking to Ashley in this state.

I wondered if somewhere, Rhett was taking care of himself. I supposed he was. He always does.

Before I left, he got up from his chair, now dented with a permanent _ass mark_ from frequent sitting, and he said, "Thank you for looking after Beau."

I stared at the chair. Jeez.

"Yes... yes, you already said that," I snapped.

I wondered why I was doing this to begin with. I realized this must be what **family** is: the burdens that _tie_ us. Bind us. Tether us. Weigh each other down. Ugh... _Yes_, Ashley must have always been and still is more than just a boy-man to me. I suppose if he wasn't, I would have had no qualms leaving his carcass for the Southern vultures. I guess I accepted him as that one (_in my case, one of MANY_) failed relative(s) whom I couldn't allow to sink or to embarrass themselves _too_ much. -And why I did this, I'll never know. Perhaps it's in my blood-_survival_, not family, that is.

Ugh. _Fuck family._

He stared back with hollow, blue eyes. They shone like plastic beads.

I wondered: were they sad? Was there nothing going on inside there? I looked back at a man far removed from the one I had obsessed over in my youth, and I wondered... h_ad the war done this to you? Did you do this to yourself? Or is this who you always were?_

The Ashley I fell in "love" with kept his shoulders straight. He brushed his hair. And his eyes were the clear, gentle, refined, aquifers. Now, they were merely the downtrodden, oft-peed-in, neighborhood, public wading pools. They were nothing worth swimming in.

_How could the Ashley before me have ever competed with Rhett for anyone's affections? _I was a fool.

I wondered if the house was becoming of Ashley, or vice versa. Feeling a prick of pity wave over my .5mm soul, I touched him on the shoulder and said, "we'll just have to get you on your feet." I exhaled. I could never be too cruel to Ashley. _to his face_.

"Eat and get your strength back." Before I turned to shut the door, I said, "Mellie would want that."

I couldn't help feeling his house had become a coffin encasing the past life. As much as all of Southern society missed Mellie and everything she represented, _she is gone_. We have to survive, but Ashley isn't even trying.

I wondered if Mellie hadn't died, how things would have been different-not just for Ashley but for me. Would Rhett still have left? Could Mellie have convinced him to stay, or was Bonnie the only thing that held him to me? Had he stopped loving me before Bonnie left? Just as I was unsure what Ashley or Mellie had ever seen in me, I wondered why Rhett had loved me and for so long.

On the walk home, only thoughts of refunding Beau and seeing Rhett again revived me.

**Depression factor:** 5.3

Whenever I'm down, I think about Rosemary. I can't help but feel that as time slips through my fingers like sand, so is Rhett. Clinging to Rosemary is like my desperate attempt to hold onto him... or perhaps the past.

\- _Scarlett_

* * *

__Author Note: I am attempting to gauge viewer interest in the series to assess further continuation. If you are enjoying it, reviews would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time and the guest reviews thus far, and I hope you've had a few laughs.__


	11. Entry 18-19

**Perverted thoughts:** 6

I almost didn't write because I only had kid-stuff and perv thought bubbles happen this week.

**Recap:**

Beau has spent the past week at the Butler residence, and his hygiene has significantly improved... and his presence is _certainly_ felt throughout the house: he uncontrollably touches things and leaves smudges. Most unwelcoming.

I never have to ask where he was or had been... he leaves a trail. Carreen runs around wiping them off-_or so she thinks_-but she's only one person.

I often wonder _why_ she committed herself to the crap, celibate nunnery lifestyle, when she clearly loves children and is fit to be a mother.

A part of me feels empty when I watch her handle Beau. Not because I want _that_-or _whatever_ they share-but because I'd rather have a sister to drink with. All of my sisters are absolutely unrelatable. Suellen the crazy, bitchy POS who never lets go of the past (Frank), and Carreen the maternal nun.

...There are many conversations I wish I could have with Carreen. I am very curious why she has _sworn off_ sex, and if she is _at least_ curious about it. She's had to have wondered about what it felt like with a Tarleton... but she's so proper (BORING). Unfortunately, I know she'll never discuss these things with me.

**_These_ **are the kind of heathen thoughts that swarm my mind when I see people-_and I blame it on Rhett_. I used to think these were _improper_ before I discovered what sex was. Now, I just think everyone _must _think about but not discuss them... It's like a shitty barrier of propriety blocks people like her from people like me.

_**Anyway**_, since Carreen has arrived, I have reigned some things in and adopted a moderate filter. Even though it's my own home, I find myself being careful around Carreen. For what, only God knows. So there. This week, it was just me, my pervy mind, Cognac, and a nun. _Boring_.

_\- Scar_

* * *

_2 weeks until Christmas_

Beau seems to be enjoying his stay at the Butler residence. _At least that makes one of us_.

As soon as I think I forget his existence, I see his mark somewhere. GAH!

I had decided to keep Monster-Child until Hazel and Ashley meet, so he wouldn't become some giant, debilitating nuisance foiling my plans.

Unfortunately, Mammy and Carreen dote on him, whether out of pity or general endearment or because they miss Mellie, I don't know. I suppose the reason I tolerate the bane of his existence is because of Mellie, but I _certainly_ don't think the amount of attention he receives is _any _good for a child.

**Weekly highlight:** _1st sister argument_

**Instigator**: Cave Child Sociopath

It went a little something like this:

"**Scarlett**, are you scolding the _dog_?" I heard feet approaching.

"_**Scarlett**_?" She entered the room. **Ugh**. The nun_._

Beau took cue and instantly started crying, painting me to be the villainess and _cause_ of this situation. _Lying. Mofo_.

Like a sucker, Carreen rushed to his side and scooped him up.

"You _shouldn't _curse in front of children," she said worriedly while cradling his head.

"Oh, grow up, Carreen. He's going to hear those words eventually, and it might as well be from _family_," I retorted crossly.

Her eyes widened, and her brows arched into a surprised and sarcastic shape. It was in this form that we looked most related.

"You're going to spoil him," I said, squinting. Wolf-Child pointed at me, throwing his head back and wailing. I set my hands on my hips and stared into his blotchy face. What a joke.

"_Scarlett_, you're upsetting him."

"What-with my_ presence_? Oh, _sorry,_" I said sarcastically as I threw my hands in the air. I find myself doing a lot of that now.

I pointed to the fur clump on the floor. "He ripped the dog's **hair **out."

She acted as if I wasn't there. She bobbed up and down to appease Beau. I couldn't understand it. She was letting him get away with it. Her back was to me, his face towards me. I flipped him off.

"_Carreen_-we have rulesin this house."

She turns to me, "Scarlett! He's just a _child_."

"_-Who rips dog hair out._"

"You haven't even pet _Twinkle_ more than a _handful_ of times, Scarlett," she responded calmly, focusing on Beau.

I focused on him, too. I sent laser beams from my eyes to his.

"Uh, I don't _have to_, the tenants do. Besides, I'm sure he will die of _over_-stimulation soon from all the petting."

"It's a _she_."

"_She_. And have you ever thought that this is _why_ the child is this way? He's spoiled, an attention-whore, and does shit behind people's backs that he KNOWS is not okay. He needs discipline."

She gave me a pointed look.

Noted. And offended.

I stomped closer towards the duo and opened my mouth to speak, but she stopped me.

"Scarlett, the **_only_ **time you interact with him is to **discipline **him."

"_Someone's_ got to do it around here."

"That's not good for a child _or_ his self esteem. Have you _ever_ thought he may be like this _**because** _he has no parents?"

"He has a parent."

"Scarlett. You _know_ what I mean."

I ignored her. "His name is _Ashley_, and I feed him once a week."

"He's **not** a pet. And you _know_ what I mean."

"Yeah, so does Bobo." I squinted at him again.

"Scarlett-" _She wanted to stop arguing._

"He'll be **fine**. Shit happens when the world takes it too easy on you. _Bad_ _shit_. _Then_, life hits them, and they have **no** idea what to do. Do you want him to grow up that way?"

"Scarlett, we had a mom _and_ dad."

"-And look how _we_ turned out! 1 nun, not _ONE_ but _**TWO **_POSes! Our parents reallyhit the jackpot."

"Can you imagine how _difficult_ it will be for him to have none, or at best, _one_?"

At this point, we diverged into parallel but separate convos. Children often do this. It looks like they are having 1 normal convo, but they are holding two separate, nonsensical ones.

I started uncontrollably zoning out as she droned on and on about feelings, etc., _pipe dreams_.

Finally, I opened my mouth as if to speak and all I heard was, "Have you been drinking today?"

Pause. _Great diversion_, I thought. **+1 for Carreen.**

I took my cue to leave, but before I did, I picked up the fur ball and waved it in Carreen's and Wolf-Child's faces. "**_This_ **isn't good for business. No one wants to see a balding pet. Just remember- _animal abusers_ turn into _**serial killers**_. Okay?"

**Result:** **stalemate**

Sojourning through the lobby was Twinkle. with a bald spot. She looked like a King Charles Cavalier Spaniel. with a bald spot. I tried to cover the spot by manipulating her other long hairs, but it wouldn't do. Once again, I threw my hands in the air. _Fugly!_

Ugh. Completely unsure how to manage Wild-Child with impending holiday celebration/marketing, Ashley-Hazel meeting, and arrival of Rosemary. Borderline overwhelmed.

_\- les miserables_

* * *

__Author Note: I am attempting to gauge viewer interest in the series to assess further continuation. If you are enjoying it, reviews would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time and the guest reviews thus far, and I hope you've had a few laughs.__


	12. Entry 20

_4 days until Christmas_

"How was it, Hazel?" I sat on Hazel's bed, breath once again bated.

"No."

"Noo_?_"

"Yeah, no."

"You mean yeah, _right?_" I had worked so _hard_ to beef him up, over-feeding him daily. I even picked out his outfit days before and set a beautiful dinner tonight at the Butler residence.

She rolled her eyes, as if I should have known. "He's _not_ for me, Scarlett."

"-But _why_?"

"He's not very interesting."

"_Why_? Isn't he attractive?"

"He's okay."

"Blonde is not your type?"

"Funnyis my type."

"He can be funny..." ..._Lies_. I had never seen Ashley try to be funny.

"I like funny people. He doesn't crack _any_ jokes."

"Well, his wife died a year ago?"

"Exactly, Scarlett. Maybe he needs more time alone." _Alone_? _Nooooo_.

"Well... how was dinner?"

"Delicious... but boring."

"Don't you think you ought to settle down anytime soon?"

"I don't know. I think about it sometimes, because I'm practically an old maid... but I don't know. I'd like to be with the _right_ person. I also don't mind being alone too much. I can travel."

"And your parents don't mind?"

"My parents live in India, and they have lived there for a long time. I was sent to boarding school in London when I was 8, and I've visited them every now and then."

"India," I repeated to myself. "So... they _don't_ mind?"

"We've lived our lives separate for so long, I suppose they respect that my life is _mine_ and theirs is _theirs_. Very liberal for parents, actually."

I was intrigued. "Is that how they do it over in London?"

"No. No, not particularly. Just mine." She smiled and laughed. She had a pretty smile and sparkling eyes. I should think people like _her_ should procreate, as opposed to the rest of the boring and dull population filling the world with their equally inept spawn. It was too bad things with Ashley wouldn't work out.

We heard the dog bark. "Ugh, shut _up_," I moaned before asking, "did _you_ vote for Twinkle?"

She said casually, "No, I didn't vote at all. Never do."

"Why?" I asked, interested once again.

"One vote never makes a difference."

"Oh." I rolled my eyes. _Very Hazel._

I tried to forget about Ashley the rest of the night, but as I lay in bed, all I could think about was how to take care of this situation. It hadn't worked out with Hazel, which wasn't too big of a surprise, though a disappointment nonetheless.

I suppose I'll think about it tomorrow.

Well, on the bright side, I guess I can refund the baby ASAP.

_\- Scarlett_

* * *

__Author Note: I am attempting to gauge viewer interest in the series to assess further continuation. If you are enjoying it, reviews would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time and the guest reviews thus far, and I hope you've had a few laughs.__


	13. Entry 21

**Secrets blown**: 1

**Deletion of Wolf-Child**: ?

_Earlier today:_

"_Carreen_, I think it's time to send Beau back to his parents."

_Silence_.

"I don't know, Scarlett."

"Well... he belongs there..." -_**Definitely**_ not here. _No _children belong here, unless they pay rent. Not even mine.

_No response._ I tried again. "It's his _home_."

"Some people think home is where the _heart_ is."

Uh. What? I had never heard that bullshit before.

"I just think he's doing so well over here, and he likes it so much here..."

"_Does he_?" I raised an eyebrow. I supposed it _was_ very awesome for those on the free-meal-receiving end.

"I think he's grown bigger... and I think he's looked after a bit more over here... not that I _blame_ Ashley. I mean, I understand he's going through a lot... I just think it would be nice if he had some help."

"You know, I thought that would be nice, too-except he _can't afford_. _it_."

I pressed my lips together. **_Somehow_**, I didn't feel Mellie's passing was an excuse for his letting himself go. "I _think_ his home is calling. Don't you think a child should be with their parents, anyway?"

She squinted her eyes at me for a second, before regaining her nun-like composure, but in that millisecond, we both knew what she was thinking: "_where are your children_?"

I thought of how to change the subject, but she took the liberty to bypass the unwanted topic.

"Did _Ashley_ say he wants Beau back?"

"I think so." ..._Lies_. Ashley had only asked every now and then how Beau was doing, thanked me, and dropped more M-bombs. He never once asked for his spawn back.

I began feeling irritated, realizing Ashley was really being shitty. Rhett would never do that. He **wanted** to be around Bonnie. He **wanted** to see his children. I know that **a)** had I died the day I slid down the staircase, and** b)** _had_ Bonnie survived, he would not have fallen apart. He'd have stayed strong-_for Bonnie_.

The contrast made me grimace at the thought of Ashley. I briefly recalled my past obsession with Ashley and shuddered. I had lost a good man with my stupidity.

I was brought back to this earth by a prodding voice. "-Well, maybe _Ashley_ can come by more often? Or _I'll_ take him to see Ashley every other day. I have nothing else to do anyway-"

I could sense desperation in her voice, and like a shark smelling blood, I could never resist pouncing on any handicaps or weaknesses-even if it was just for fun. "-or you can go with him to Ashley's house," I said, smiling.

She gave me a surprised look. "You know that isn't proper..."

I laughed to myself. _Oh_, if she only knew **half** the things I did to get Tara. I was toying with her.

"Alright, we can send Prissy to stay at the Wilkeses and watch over Ashley and Bobo."

That's right, I could kill 2 birds with 1 stone:

_**1)** delete Wolf-Child _

_**2)** rid myself of the most annoying and useless "help" in all of history._

The nun interrupted my fantasies. "-but he also needs a proper governess."

_Dear, God._ Did everyone view me as some open wallet? "I can't afford that," I responded flatly.

When she stared back in shock, I don't know why I attempted to explain myself. "I **can't** go around paying everything for everyone."

"-but he's _family_!" she exploded. _Ugh_, that **godawful** word. I had hoped I'd never hear it again.

"It's _Rhett's_ money, Carreen. Have you forgotten we live in a patriarchal society?"

Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Where _is_ Rhett, anyway?" Ugh.

"Traveling the world," I responded. -**_aka avoiding me._**

"When will he be back?"

Silence. Uh, maybe never?

"Can you write him and ask?" She was persistent, I'll give that to her. Persistent_ and annoying._

I shrugged and said I'd try. I began to truly regret the day I revoked her allowance.

Then, as if uncovering a new gem, she asked excitedly, "Scarlett. Don't you receive your own income from the shop and tenants? Can't we set something aside for him?" Her words were like _sand paper_ to my soul_._

"**Gah**!" I exploded. "_Carreen_, he's **not **my son**!** And the new construction on the house is taking up _most_ of _my_ own income from the shop+B&amp;B!"

"What construction?"

"Are you _blind_?! We're putting in more wash rooms for the guests!"

She pressed further. "Surely, you can't put _bathrooms_ over our _nephew!_"

-_Our_ nephew? I didn't know Carreen could be so determined.

She pleaded, and it began to make me uncomfortable. "You _have_ the money, Scarlett. You're super rich and married to one of the wealthiest men in the South. Why can't we help him? Are you _so_ heartless?"

_-__**WE**__?_ Last time I checked Carreen had **_0_** money. I had sold my soul to buy Tara, fucked a man I didn't even like, bore his child I can barely stand, then accidentally killed him/ensured my passage to hell-_**JUST **_to ensure my family would not be starving and aimlessly scattered across the South-**AND THEN** what did I do? I gave it to that _POS_ Suellen, so she could keep a roof over her head.

Somewhere underneath this snake skin, ice cold blood began to **simmer**.

I whispered angrily. "Yes, well, last time I checked, this is _NOT_ a Communist country. My financial state does _not_ mean I must go about adopting all the penniless children of Georgia and bestow a 'proper lifestyle' upon them... Is **_this_ **what they teach _you_ in the _abbey_, Carreen? Because it's **_not_ **happening here."

I was so angry that I was shrieking. The war and all the shit times flashed before me, and all I saw was red. "**This isn't _God's_ house,** Carreen. It never has been, and it's _never_ going to be."

I remembered Rhett telling me he had gone in search of gentler and more beautiful things. He had asked me if I knew what he was talking about. I hadn't, and I still didn't. Those things were all swept away with the war, and I never thought about them again. Tears fell down my cheeks. Angry tears. Hot tears. Sad tears.

"_Scarlett_-"

"**_CARREEN!_** Just shut the FUCK up!" My blood had boiled and was sending off lava-like bursts thoughout my veins. I was shaking in anger. "RHETT LEFT A **LONG** TIME AGO!"

_Shit_. I hadn't intended to tell her.

She took a step back and stared with an expression as if I had hurt her. Exasperated, angry, tired, and sleepy from all the fighting and baby-talk, I didn't know what to do. Then, I saw a blue-grey flurry hurl itself in my direction. She latched her fingers together around my back and placed her face tightly against my chest.

I sighed before uncomfortably patting her on her back and attempting to gently extricate myself from her grip, but she wouldn't budge.

"Scarlett... I... that must be why you've been so cross and unemotional the past few weeks. You were _sad_. I should have noticed."

_Wtf. _I rolled my eyes, knowing she could not see me. Why couldn't people just accept I am who I am? **_No_**, _I'm just bitchy_. **period.**

"_That_ must be why you had to cut off my _allowance_...! Oh, _Scarlett_. Of course... I _should_ have known. And here, I had thought-_oh, nevermind_!"

She desperately clung to me. I didn't know what to do. I was still angry, shaking. And I was now irritated that she was taking the news worse than _I_ had.

She whispered something, as if I wasn't supposed to hear. "I knew Suellen was wrong."

And then, she said something that surprised even me: "Scarlett... I've been such a burden to you. I..." she inhaled sharply and expressed surprising resolve. "I'll go with Beau to Ashley's."

I thought about her statement for a moment. I considered dusting all 4 of Ashley, Beau, Carreen, and Prissy off my hands. I thought of my mother. Then, I looked down at my sister. Her bonnet had fallen off. I sighed.

I couldn't let the nun do that, knowing how much her propriety meant to her.

Minutes passed until the words sliced across my lips. "I'll... _think_ about it, Carreen..." _Verbal diarrhea._

I teetered on my feet, unable to hug my sister back, whether due to defeat or because Suellen wasn't so wrong this time, I wasn't sure.

**Regrets for revoking sister's allowance**: 98173792332.

**Christmas spirit: **totally dead

Christmas sucks.

* * *

_Author Note: I am attempting to gauge viewer interest in the series to assess further continuation. If you are enjoying it, reviews would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time and the guest reviews thus far, and I hope you've had a few laughs._


	14. Entry22: X-Mas Eve

_**Will update if/when reaches 30 reviews!_

* * *

_Christmas Eve_

**Days until Christmas:** 1

**Recent nightmares**: 1

**Wolf-Children:** 1

I stared out of my window for most of today. I was waiting for Rhett. I was waiting for Rosemary. She was due today, and for the first time in a long time, I looked forward to something.

I saw a carriage arriving, and I fled downstairs and pounced on the carriage door. It was cold outside, and I had neglected to don a shawl or gloves. I breathed into my hands, clasped together to trap warmth. Jogging my feet up and down, I hoped Rhett would pour out of those doors.

The doors swung open, and out jumped little feet.

_My heart sunk._ and not in the way Mary Poppins's does.

**Total children:** disappointingly, 3.

It was Wade and Ella. back for holiday/new years/whatever. It might as well be satan's birthday for all I cared, at this point.

_"Mother! Mother!"_

Words that sounded like music to Carreen's ears were like little chicks aggressively shooting off repetitive 'pyoopyoo' noises at mine.

Two small figures sprung across the carriage, one tackled me, another rolled onto the floor.

"We're back!" _Yay._

"Yes... well..." I couldn't mask my disappointment. I had hoped it was Rhett. I tried to pick myself up and force a warm smile. "Welcome home, kiddos."

I looked off in the distance, hoping to spy a familiar figure.

"_Mother_." I felt a tug on my sleeve. I looked down. Wade. "It's cold." I suddenly felt tethered down.

I peered off into the distance again before turning back. "Run inside, Wade."

I saw Hazel in the entrance. "Go jump on the lady at the door, then go find Mammy."

In an attempt to forget my disappointment, I settled into the the kitchen.

"_Scarlett_, are you ok?"

Carreen_._

"Yeah. I'm fine." I faked a smile for my little sister.

"I heard the kids are back."

"Something like that..." I responded blankly before adding, "just for a little bit."

She handed me something warm. I looked down hoping it was a hot toddy.

Hot chocolate. _Of course not._ This Christmas, nothing would go my way. And this was _Carreen_. I should have know better.

I took the first sip and realized I needed different friends.

"_Hellooo_?"

I snapped out of my thoughts, searching for the voice.

"You had a far-away look on your face."

"Oh, sorry, C-"

_Hazel_.

Wtf. When did that happen. I searched around the kitchen. I hadn't noticed Carreen had gone.

"I had the... what do they call it? _Pleasure_ of meeting your children." She smiled.

"Mmm," I responded, eyebrows cocked, as if silently saying, "_don't tell me about it/do me a favor and shoot me."_

She laughed under her breath. There was no hiding it. She knew me well enough. I poured her some of Carreen's hot chocolate. "Here. Sorry it's not a vodka."

"God knows _I'll_ need it," I said under my breath.

She knew who I was, and she was okay with it. It was nice being accepted for the shit mother I was. I didn't have to haphazardly pretend otherwise, which was not only confusing but _exhausting_. If kids had taught me _anything_, it was that it's **tough** work pretending you're someone you're **not**.

"You know... you don't really look like your children... or rather, I guess I should say _they_ don't look like _you,_" she noted.

"You can say that again," I said while stabbing a marshmallow with a toothpick.

"They don't look like each other _either_," she said absentmindedly, nursing her hot chocolate, before making a segue. "This would be better if it was cider."

"Yeah, okay, okay, I already know. They're _ugly,_" I responded. It was too bad, but nothing I could do about it now.

She coughed on her chocolate. "That's not exactly what I said."

I interrupted. "_Yeah_, _yeah_, we all know you were thinking it. Not my fault they didn't get my genes. Hopefully they'll be smart. or develop some other useful traits. God knows they don't have any now."

She was still coughing but didn't look shocked. She seemed amused.

"I have chocolate in my nose," she choked out.

"Yeah, feel the **_pain_**. It **_stings_**, _**doesn't it**?_?" I smirked. It was a relief to be yourself around fellow satan-worshipers.

I went on, leaning in on my elbows. "I wish I hadn't met their dads." I explained that Child 1 and Child 2 had different fathers.

"I see..." She smiled before poking my shoulder and jesting, "_Scarlett_-you _do_ get around!"

-Then again, maybe she _wasn't_. 3 _was_ a high number for a 19th century lady. Well_, _whatevs. Nothing I could do about it now.

"How _scandalous,_" she smirked.

I rolled my eyes. "Ugh, I wish I hadn't_."_

"Why?"

"It sucked."

She gave me a pointed look. I knew what she was asking about: da _sex_.

"It was pretty boring... in _all_ aspects of life, _okay_." Period. That's all I would give her.

"Did you _love_ them?" she asked, raising her eyebrows mockingly.

"Yeah _right_. Can we women afford such a thing? In this day and age, you're lucky if your husband doesn't beat the living shit out of you. Besides, If I did, do you think I'd treat these children this way? Probably _not_..."

I thought for a second. Then again, maybe I would. It was a toss up.

"What about your current husband?" She said it as if it was okay if I didn't answer.

"_Rhett_." I looked into my empty cup.

She looked into hers and smiled suggestively.

I gave her a face. "What?"

"You do."

"_What_? I-_no_. He's _alright.._." -_Alright for someone who abandons his wife and leaves forever_.

"_Okay_, Scar. You keep telling yourself that." She waved at me dismissively.

We continued our conversation, chastised Twinkle for shitting on the porch, and laughed together over glasses of Cognac. I was amazed she hadn't asked where Rhett was or if he'd return. I was thankful. Despite the holiday blues and reality setting in that Rhett wouldn't return this year, I was thankful to have one non-URM friend. I hadn't had one since Mellie.

...

Later, while we were talking about something totally separate, I realized too late that a tear fell down my face. Hazel only stared semi-curiously but did not comment. She left it up to me.

-_What can I say_, I blame it on the alcohol.

She looked away, giving me privacy.

I explained, "it's nothing. I just really miss Ashley's wife sometimes... Mellie. She was my only friend, you know, she died around this time of year. I just thought of her."

I tried to perk up and wave the tears away, as I had forced myself to do often during the past decade. She squeezed my hand lightly as a courtesy and smiled, before rising and moving towards her room. Before I had lifted and set my wrists back down/cleared my eyes, she was gone. She had told me before that she didn't like sad/crying drunks, either. I laughed. -So _this_ was how it felt.

...

I fell sound asleep on the chaise lounge in the lobby. I was having a **full-on** _nightmare_: Ella and Wade had come to stay forever, Mellie's spot disappeared, and Belle moved into my house.

I was only brought back to earth by the gentle shaking of my arm.

"_**nnnNNNNNn**_!" I noised, warning Wade and Ella off.

The gentle shaking persisted.

"_Scarlett_."

"_Nnnnn_..."

"_Scarlett_."

I felt a hand on my forehead. It took me a while to realize these hands were too big to be Wade's or Ella's.

"_Noo... no, you can't stay forever,_" I muttered sleepily, slumped over. "_Schoool~_"

"Scarlett."

"_Mellie-_ _No_... _I said.._."

I heard something clearer now. I hated being woken up.

"_Scarlett_-"

I snapped to, pissed off. As I jolted up and stared crossly at the figure beside me, my face fell in surprise as I beheld a Butler.

"_I_-"

Well, I didn't know what to say.

* * *

_**NEXT**! **A Christmas Eve Special- Narrative through _'s Eyes.** Would you prefer to see a narrative through Twinkle, Mammy, or Hazel's eyes? Please cast your vote or provide a suggestion in the comments box. I will write accordingly._

__Author Note: I am attempting to gauge viewer interest in the series to assess further continuation. If you are enjoying it, reviews would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time and the guest reviews thus far, and I hope you've had a few laughs.__

___**Will update if/when reaches 30 reviews!___


	15. writer update

Hi, all! Thank you for reading and appreciating everything so far. I just wanted to post a brief update.

I know I haven't updated the story in a long time, but I haven't abandoned it. I have just been extremely busy for a long time, but I always try to finish stories. I hope to add a chapter over the summer. Thank you to fans who have continued to re-read and comment. I really have appreciated it, and it pushes me on. I will try to write at least one chapter this summer, if not a few.

If you have any questions or suggestions, please feel free to inbox me. I always respond. Thank you!

All my love,

X


End file.
